When we last left LeBron James doubter and Mike Golic cage match opponent Bill Simmons, he was putting his picks in a sidebar. They didn't turn out terribly, as his 7-6 record in Week Nine was equal to mine. Let's see what he's got for us this week.
Nearly 15 years later, I remember three things about Y2K. First, many people were legitimately concerned that computers would freak out at midnight, all hell would break loose, and we'd land in a real-life version ofThe Purge crossed with The Walking Dead … even though we didn't know what either of these things were in 1999.
Pop culture AND unimportant shit from 15 years ago in the first paragraph! That's why we're here, ya'll. That's why we're here.
Second, the Y2K hype spawned one of wrestling's greatest entrances — Chris Jericho's "Y2J" gimmick
[begrudgingly concedes that point]
And third, I remember thinking about the end of the world and being bummed out about one thing and one thing only: not that I'd be losing the chance to have kids or get married, not that I'd be losing my dream of building a big audience for my "Sports Guy" column, not that I'd be losing the last two-thirds of my life … but that I'd live and die without seeing a Boston team win a World Series or a Super Bowl.
Those are good priorities. Forget loved ones and achieving your goals, everyone, because it's all about seeing YOUK raise a trophy before you kick the bucket.
Jaguars (+7.5) over COWBOYS
Does anyone else love that we keep torturing the English by sending them terrible football games? They shouldn't have messed with us in the 1700s — it's their fault.
*Bill Simmons reading his history book aloud in middle school*
Paul Revere: SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY ADAMS!
John Adams: Sweeps England's leg
Benjamin Franklin: [gets him a body bag]
I fully expect the Cowboys to finish 8-8 again, which means they're blowing this game to Bad News Blake Bortles. My upset special: Jags 24, Cowboys 10.
Is it truly an upset for a team with no major health issues to beat a team whose quarterback has broken bones in his back and had to sit on an eight hour flight with those broken bones in his back? That's kind of a cop out, no?
New England's Bye Week (-8) over Houston's Bye Week
San Diego's Bye Week (-5.5) over Washington's BYE WEEK
Minnesota's Bye Week (+8) over Indy's Bye Week
Bookie: Sir, these teams aren't playing, so you can't bet on them.
Simmons: Listen, you sonofabitch, New England is going to destroy Houston this week and this $1,000 check agrees with me.
Bookie: [just kind of grabs the check and goes to buy some beer, but still looks really confused while standing in line at the convenience store]
BILLS (+2) over Chiefs
Grabbing the points for four reasons: home dog, Buffalo fans, Sammy Watkins and the undeniable reality that we haven't had one of those patented Andy Reid snatching-defeat-from-the-jaws-of-victory games in five solid weeks. Remember, he's good for three a year and we've had only one so far
Buffalo is 2-2 at home this year, which kind of hurts the blind throwing of Buffalo fans out there, especially when one of those home wins was a few days after they were bought by a guy from Buffalo. That Buffalo crowd ain't makin' a difference like that with regularity.
Dolphins (+3) over LIONS
Great game. Like both of these teams. I had the Lions all week but couldn't shake the memory of Week 8's amazing Bad-Coach-Off between Jim Caldwell and Mike Smith that, frankly, might warrant its own 30 for 30 at this point.
Of course, at this point, it's entirely possible that 30 for 30 will move with Simmons to Turner or somewhere else when he and ESPN part ways.
What if I told you that two coaches would travel to England and proceed to play checkers in a sport where everyone else plays chess? ESPN Films presents a new original film, Eyes Wide Shut, directed by Michael Davies.
What if I told you that a feud with Mike and Mike could drive someone to make like Tina and Ike? Bleacher Report presents a 30 for 30 film, Turning Turner, directed by Bill Simmons.
SAINTS (-6) over Niners
I can't believe the Saints have a chance to go from 2-4 to 12-4. They're catching the Niners at a perfect time, right when I'm getting emails like this …
I mean, New Orleans only plays one tough game on the road for the rest of the season (at Pittsburgh), so that seems pretty believable to me.
JETS (+6) over Steelers
By the way, I think the Jets somehow cover this one. Can't explain it. The line is suspiciously, curiously low for reasons that CANNOT be explained.
Ben Roethlisberger has thrown 12 touchdowns in his last two games. If you're freaked out about laying one of those 12 touchdowns against a Jets team that has had more fan-bought demonstrations against their GM than wins against the spread, you are doing this wrong.
RAVENS (-10) over Titans
Broncos (-12) over RAIDERS
Two-Team Teaser alert!
Sound the alarm!!!!!
TWO-TEAM TEASER ALERT!!!!!! EASY MONEY AHEAD!!!!!!!!!
Oh Jesus Christ I hope Tennessee and Oakland win outright so I can tweet about this on Sunday.
BUCS (+3) over Falcons
I'm not watching one minute of this game. And neither should you.
Serious question: do people not just watch RedZone channel? It's 2014, but do people still actually watch football games with commercials and punts and shit? I refuse to believe that anybody chooses to watch the sport that way in the present day. Saying that you refuse to watch any of a specific game would lead me to believe otherwise, which is truly upsetting.
Rams (+7) over CARDS
Here's where you say, "Wait a second, didn't you just pick the Cards to go to the Super Bowl? Is this why your picks suck so much?"
Actually, the last full year has led me to ask why your picks suck so much, but I guess this can be some kind of line of demarcation if you'd prefer.
Speaking of picks that suck, Simmons always ends his picks columns with his record against the spread. During his suspension, he's claimed a 58-0 record, in a fun, tongue-in-cheek way to get in extra digs at Roger Goodell. There's nothing wrong with that, but let's take a closer look at this.
If you take away the 58 gag wins from Simmons' record, his win-loss record stands at 38-39, a game below .500 and several games below profitability. Who would have guessed?