When we last left NBA Countdown host/Matthew McConaughey career appraisal artist Bill Simmons, he gave us his Week Eight picks, which finished with a record of 6-7. This week, he's in the middle of coming down from his Red Sox World Series high and starting the season on NBA Countdown, so he's given us a Cliff's Notes version of his NFL picks for Week Nine. Let's get to them, shall we?
DOLPHINS (+3) over Bengals
Last night was our no. 1 Alcoa's Great Gambling Moment of the season: Miami winning in overtime on a safety, 22-20, when the Vegas over/under was 43. But it should have been our best fantasy moment of the season, too. Why aren't all overtime game-winning safeties worth 50 fantasy points? It happens once every 20 years!
Additionally, I'd like to propose the following changes to fantasy football scoring.
- Made field goal off of an upright/crossbar: 12 points
- Interception overturned after replay review: .5 points
- Calvin Johnson drop: -10 points
- Every touchdown whose celebration is fined: only 3 points
- Riley Cooper touchdown catch from black QB: 1,000,000 points
Chiefs (-4) over BILLS
Football Outsiders' Week 8 DVOA column ranked the 8-0 Chiefs 10th overall because of their cream puff schedule. They also ran numbers on the 14 8-0 teams since 1989 — the Chiefs had the third-lowest DVOA of the 14, besting only the 2006 Colts (won the Super Bowl) and 2012 Falcons (nearly made last year's Super Bowl). So it's both a compliment and an insult.
(Cut to Alex Smith crying over his laptop because Football Outsiders won't stop playing with his emotions, dammit.)
Titans (-3) over RAMS
Your running game just churned out 200 yards on Monday night against Seattle, but on fourth-and-goal from the 1, with the game on the line, you call a timing lob pass into the corner thrown by KELLEN CLEMENS????? What???? I can't pick the Rams this week.
I can't pick the Rams this week despite their defense playing lights out and covering the spread against a team far superior than them. THEY RELIED ON A QUARTERBACK IN A PASSING LEAGUE! WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?
By the way, don't quit on the 3-4 Titans yet — they lost to the Chiefs, Seahawks and Niners these last three weeks. No shame in that. I like the Titans this week. You and me, Bernard Karmell Pollard. Let's do this.
I bet Bengals fans are super pissed that they didn't think to start using Kimo Von Oelhoffen's middle name when bringing him up after he demolished Carson Palmer's knee that one time. For the record, von Oelhoffen's middle name is Kukuiokalani.
Chargers (-1.5) over D.C. DACEYS
Our Super Bowl Circle (the eight teams that can win the title if they can get to January) right now looks like this: Denver, Seattle, San Francisco, Indy, New Orleans, [VACANT], [VACANT], [VACANT]. You know who might grab one of those "VACANT" spots? The 4-3 Chargers! Remember, they're a miracle last-second TD in Tennessee and a miracle Texans comeback (back when Matt Schaub was still alive) from being 6-1.
San Diego would totally be in the Super Bowl conversation right now, had they not lost to two teams that we found out are actually pretty bad at football, guys.
PANTHERS (-8) over Falcons
I'm riding Riverboat Ron to the promised land! Emails like these aren't shaking me …
Kurt in Doral, Florida: "Has everybody forgotten that their three consecutive wins are against the Vikings, home against the Rams, and against the Tampa Bay Staph Infections?"
Some people out there like picking teams to cover eight point spreads when their four wins are against teams who are a combined 6-24 (.200!!!!!). Bill Simmons is one of those people.
Steelers (+7) over PATRIOTS
… now I can skip the 17-Degree Jersey Super Bowl without worrying about missing a Patriots appearance.
SEAHAWKS (-16) over Staph Infections
I'd be more concerned about Seattle's shaky offensive line if EVERY SINGLE NFL CONTENDER didn't have a pulsatingly shaky part of its team.
...was that a dick joke?
RAIDERS (-3) over Eagles
As for Chip Kelly, Chris Ryan's giddy piece after Philly killed Washington in Week 1 is slowly becoming the retroactively funniest piece in Grantland history.
I thought the one where you went 2-13 against the spread was pretty funny, but I guess I do have a bit of a sick sense of humor.
BROWNS (+3) over Ravens
Speaking of funny headlines: It's going to be hard to top "Campbell gives Browns reason to believe," even if I actually believe in Cleveland this Sunday.
I like this one better:
TEXANS (+3) over Colts
Houston's next four games: home for Indy, at Arizona, home for Oakland, home for Jacksonville. They could be 6-5 heading into December with Case Keenum looking a little 2006 Romo-ish. It's just ridiculous enough that I have to pick them this week.
It's worth mentioning that the 2006 season was the season in which Tony Romo took over for Drew Bledsoe, got the Cowboys to the playoffs, then fumbled the snap on the field goal attempt in the divisional playoffs in Seattle. Case Keenum, that could be your life!
Bears (+11) over PACKERS
It's a Kitchen Sink Game for the Bears — fake punts, flea flickers, reverses on kickoffs, you name it.
Fake punts! Flea flickers! JOSH MCCOWN!!!!!! Oh, nevermind, the Bears are screwed.
Meanwhile, here's an important question from Emily in Foxborough, Massachusetts: "My girlfriends and I have been arguing about this for some time. Who would win in an all-NFL-QB edition of Survivor? Has to be Brady, right? And there's a 97.8% chance that Peyton gets to the final three and blows it."
Thanks for making that joke so I didn't have to.
Bill Simmons should be forced to pay everyone that makes a joke he responds to with “thanks for making that joke so I didn't have to.” YOU HAVE ONE JOB.
Anyway, Joe Flacco or Eli Manning would clearly lose every challenge and spend the rest of their time on the island licking palm trees while in the nude, then manage to win, because that's exactly what they do in the NFL.
In Case You Missed It, Part 1: Here's my column about Bill Russell, David Ortiz and the 2013 Red Sox, posted Thursday afternoon on Grantland.
I CTRL + F'd his Red Sox column about David Ortiz. Neither 'steroid' or 'PED' showed up once. If Alex Rodriguez had just hit .700 in the World Series (it's a laughable idea that A-Rod would even get a hit in the World Series, but I'm speaking hypothetically here), Simmons would have penned a 15,000 word missive about how he is a scourge on the game.
David Ortiz failed a drug test in 2003, was told he failed a drug test in 2003, then played dumb and let the media absolve him because he was goofy and the media liked him. But, because Boston, Simmons is probably wearing David Ortiz pajama pants while on the set of NBA Countdown right now. What a fraud.