We're back, and we're 1-0 after the Seahawks beat up on the Packers on Thursday night. It's time to earn us all lots of units with the rest of this week's picks.
Spreads are from the LVH via VegasInsider, and home teams are in CAPS.
FALCONS +3 over Saints
We couldn't even get through two NFL games before you idiots make me straighten you out for being idiots.
This game opened as a pick 'em, then 78% of you idiots bet on the Saints on the road even though they were 3-7 ATS on the road last year. Now the spread is a field goal, and non-idiots get to enjoy a free field goal that we wouldn't have had to enjoy without you idiots. So thank you for your stupidity, I guess.
RAMS -3.5 over Vikings
I look forward to ignoring this game on RedZone. Either way, this game opened at Rams -6, and three quarters of bettors are on the Vikings, which has nearly cut it in half. Not having Sam Bradford isn't the best thing, but the Rams can play defense, while Shaun Hill and Matt Cassell aren't exactly worlds apart.
Browns +6.5 over STEELERS
The first few weeks of the season are hard to bet, because you can never be quite sure what you're getting from teams. But that doesn't stop people from doing it, like in this game where nearly three quarters of bettors are on the Steelers in a game where neither team has wide receivers. This game may end in a scoreless draw.
Jaguars +10.5 over EAGLES
This is a combination of things. First, two thirds of the bets are in on Philly, but the line has shifted a full point towards the Jags. Second, I just want to see the Jags suck less this year. Also, something tells me that an offense that relies so heavily on LeSean McCoy would have been best served to keep DeSean Jackson instead of dumping him to a division rival.
JETS -5.5 over Raiders
I can either lay five and a half with Rex Ryan's idiot team or bet on a rookie quarterback in his first game in what's essentially a 10 a.m. start. It's like I'm on Let's Make A Deal, only every door is filled to the brim with nothing but feces.
But yeah, the rookie QB in a 10 a.m. kickoff is too much for me. Going with the Jets.
Bengals +1.5 over RAVENS
The Ravens weren't a team you'd consider to be offensively proficient last season, especially on the ground. Cincinnati's defense will not serve to aid them in turning that around.
BEARS -6.5 over Bills
There is nothing on this Earth that I want more than another season of HOT CUTLER TAKES, but the Bills are just pure shit. CJ Spiller will get hurt, if he hasn't already. Sammy Watkins will break something. EJ Manuel will stay healthy, which is probably detrimental to this team's success. The Bills are poison.
TEXANS -3 over Racists
I try not to cheer for anyone too hard other than my Giants, but whoever Washington is playing on a given week gets my full support. I hope Daniel Snyder stubs his toe real hard.
CHIEFS -3 over Titans
Patriots -4 over DOLPHINS
I want to have the balls to take the Dolphins so badly. But I don't. I have no balls.
Panthers +3 over BUCCANEERS
Apparently the sloppy seconds of the Chicago Bears are going to make the Bucs good all of a sudden, and without even one hiccup. Bollocks, everyone. The Panthers are good, and free field goals are also good.
49ers -4 over COWBOYS
San Francisco was 7-2-1 against the spread on the road last year. The Cowboys defense gives up an estimated 11,000,000,000 yards per game defensively. Those two things are good enough for me.
Colts +7.5 over BRONCOS
"Sure, Peyton Manning's receiving corps has been cut in half. Sure, Montee Ball is now the actual running back and not just a device deployed by John Fox to screw over fantasy owners. Sure, the Broncos defense isn't very good. But let's lay the points."
—SO MANY PEOPLE WHAT ARE YOU THINKING YOU IDIOTS
Giants +6 over LIONS
This marks the first time I've taken the Giants against the spread in about a full year. I'm doing so, not on the basis of their talent, but under the assumption that nobody will want to see this game and that they'll cancel it and I'll win 6-0 with the spread.
CARDINALS -3 over Chargers
I went back and forth on this one a whole bunch. Everyone seems to be pegging the Cardinals as a candidate to fall back this season, which I don't necessarily buy. They play a garbage schedule outside of the Niners, Seahawks, Broncos, and Chargers, and get four wins against the NFC East.
As for this game, they opened at -3 and remain at -3 despite not having Andre Ellington due to injury AND two thirds of bettors backing San Diego. That should tell you something about where the money is here.
This Week: 1-0
2014 Season: 1-0