Bill Simmons is having a rough year in his NFL picks. His pop culture references game, however, is as on point as its ever been. Of course, by on point, I mean that I want to punch him in the Adam's Apple every time he makes a stupid pop culture reference. Either way, he's blended both his crappy NFL picks and oh so witty pop culture references into his Week 8 NFL column. Let's have a look at what Boston's prodigal son has selected this week.
Greetings from Boston! I haven't been home since the night LeBron James saved Miami's championship season, eviscerated the 2012 Celtics AND played the greatest game of his life. Last night at Fenway Park, my streak of coming-home gut punches climbed to two when Craig Breslow went full-scale Calvin Schiraldi during a monstrosity of a seventh-inning meltdown. I might never come back. Good things happen to Boston sports teams when I'm 3,000 miles away — that's been the deal for 11 solid years and it's the biggest reason why I refuse to leave Los Angeles. Don't worry, I'm leaving Boston before Game 3 starts.
It took four words for Bill Simmons to use 'I' in this column. FOUR. But I guess we should have known this was going to happen when he and Cousin Sal set the over/under for words until he used the word 'I' at 4.5 in his last podcast.
I'm in the middle of the worst NFL handicapping slump of my career.
You know it's gone bad when readers are comparing you to characters from wretched Matthew McConaughey movies.
I thought it went bad when you made fifteen picks and thirteen of them were wrong, but to someone who doesn't know what numbers or percentages are, the Matthew McConaughey thing would probably help paint the picture.
I like to make excuses whenever my picks fall apart...This time around, my creaky-all-season picks finally fell apart after we decided to produce 30 "Bill and Jalen NBA Previews" in less than a month.
These 30 videos of around 25 minutes in length took so much time to create that I was unable to search the Internet for information for 20 minutes like every human that didn't go 2-13 last week. Those 10-15 hours of work over the course of less than a month made that impossible.
Here's how Riverboat Ron [Rivera] explained his new identity in a watershed ESPN.com piece.
Simmons proceeds to break down an interview with Panthers coach Ron Rivera, who doesn't suck anymore! The quotes are from Rivera, and the douchey remarks in parenthesis are Simmons'.
"If you win it's a great call. It goes all the way back to everybody talking about what Coach Belichick did against Indianapolis. … That's not a gamble. It's what I believe is a calculated attempt. I do mean that in all sincerity."
(Note: Huge progress from someone who spent two-plus seasons treating fourth-and-ones like they were grenades, even though he had the best short-yardage QB in the league. It's always funny when people say things with 100 percent conviction that they didn't believe five weeks ago.)
It's as if...people are capable of learning from their mistakes and improving themselves! I wonder if Simmons will be able to do an interview like this to commemorate if he ever learns how to separate different topics into paragraphs.
"I do have a checklist that I try to go through and try to look at prior to going out on the field. Are we expected to win? What type of game are we anticipating? Will this be a ground-and-pound-type game?"
(Note: A checklist that includes questions like "Are we expected to win?" CUTTING EDGE! I NEED TO KNOW MORE!)
Simmons is a guy that worships a coach who refuses to talk to the media, yet rips on one for being candid to his own company in an interview. I'll bet you a dollar that Bill Simmons won't hire someone who graduated from a state school. What a colossal tool.
Not only was Kansas City gift-wrapped the easiest schedule of the year, it somehow became EASIER after four weeks...Does anyone else think that Andy Reid sold his soul to the devil, Kurt Warner–style, right before they offered him this Chiefs job?
Here I was thinking that he took over a team with a great defense, brought in a reliable quarterback, and got an easy schedule; three things he never had all at once in Philadelphia. I just can't see the big picture the way Bill Simmons can.
ESPN.com posted a piece on October 15 centered on the following compliment about Tony Romo. The headline of the piece? "Tony Romo with Larry Bird-like ability." Putting the Basketball Jesus in the same headline with Tony Romo? That's sports blasphemy!!! This is the worst thing ESPN has done to me in at least two weeks.
HOW DARE YOU COMPARE A SKILLED PLAYER THAT DOESN'T POSSESS OVERWHELMING ATHLETICISM WITH A SKILLED PLAYER THAT DIDN'T POSSESS OVERWHELMING ATHLETICISM!?!?!? This is the worst thing ESPN has done to me since they threw a ton of money at me, gave me my own web site and repeatedly failed to discipline me for calling out my own company on social media!
Dolphins (+7) over PATRIOTS
I'm not ready to do this one yet.
You already posted your pick. You can't not be ready after picking the game. That's like riding a roller coaster, then giving yourself a minute to mentally prepare for it.
Bills (+11.5) over SAINTS
You knew Doug Marrone was our best new NFL coach this season. Speaking of Marrone, check out the subtle "Nobody believes in us!" messaging in this interview with BuffaloBills.com.
To repeat: "We've been the underdog in every game since we've been here." Oh, like he's not saying that in the locker room on Sunday? NOBODY BELIEVES IN YOU, BUFFALO!
Nobody believes in the Bills because the team they're playing has won EIGHTY PERCENT of their last twenty home games against the spread.
Dolphins (+7) over PATRIOTS
Still not ready.
This is the second time Simmons posted the pick for this game, but refused to talk about it because he wasn't ready. Rather than just get up from his computer, he decided to write that he wasn't ready. It's all about that word count, folks.
49ers (-16) over Jaguars
Good news, London — we're bringing another atrocious NFL team overseas for you!
I'm sure the people of London are so insulted that the NFL chose a team whose owner is also the owner of an English Premier League team that plays in London over another soulless corporate husk of a human's team. And, for once, they didn't choose a team owned by the Glazers or Stan Kroenke, and they chose a team whose EPL team's fans didn't want him dead. But, yeah, the people of London are super pissy that the Tennessee Titans aren't coming instead, because they totally care.
Can we officially say that Trent Richardson stinks yet? How many more weeks do we need?
Dolphins (+7) over PATRIOTS
Just a bizarre line. I don't think one of these teams is better than the other.
So, to reiterate, Simmons is picking the Dolphins plus seven over the Patriots. Thrice. He then goes on to talk about how Tom Brady is having an off year, because playing worse after going from Wes Welker/Rob Gronkowski/Aaron Hernandez to Kenbrell Thompkins/Rob Gronkowski with one arm/The Ghost of Odin Lloyd for receiving options is a shock. Also, just so you know, Simmons is taking the Dolphins +7 over the Patriots.
RAIDERS (+3) over Steelers
I feel like the Steelers blow this specific game every single season.
With analysis like this, it's amazing this guy could have went 2-13 last week. Unfathomable, really.
That brings us to our Shakey's Pizza Watch for Week 8: every LeGarrette Blount kick return (Jesus he's awful) … the Denver/Seattle/Miami O-lines … Detroit's secondary.
Simmons picked both Miami and Detroit to cover this week, then criticized key components of each of their teams. Maybe Miami's offensive line and Detroit's secondary will just not have to play this week.
Giants (+5) over EAGLES
I agree with Kyle in Seattle: "Has there ever been a more prolonged, simultaneously putrid and terrifying team than the Coughlin era Giants?”
How could you not be scared of a team that unironically started Peyton Hillis at running back last week and gave him 18 carries, with which he could only rack up 36 yards?
I'll go further: I could totally see the 2013 Giants making the playoffs, and I could totally see them landing the no. 2 pick in the draft and getting Jadeveon Clowney, followed by Clowney sacking a rejuvenated Brady to clinch the Giants' improbable 20-17 victory in Super Bowl L. I will now eat broken glass.
If you think this New York Giants team could make the playoffs, you deserve to eat broken glass. Broken glass with a side of gunfire.
CARDINALS (-2) over Falcons
Can the Cards break the 0-6 streak of Team That Just Got The Crap Kicked Out Of It By The Seahawks? I say yes. Sneaky-good Matt Ryan season, by the way.
That Matt Ryan is playing some great ball, but he's no Carson Palmer!
VIKINGS (+9.5) over Packers
Grabbing the points despite the following four emails …
(Simmons copy pastes four emails making fun of the Vikings)
Packers (-9.5) over VIKINGS
YOU GOT ME THERE, SIMMONS, YOU CRAZY GUY. I hope the Vikings cover, even though I took Green Bay, just so this buffoon can pretend that this bit of jackassery was the cause of it. Then I hope he eats an entire shattered window.